All That Matters

The summer breeze was warm while the scent of freshly cut grass lingered in the air. Toby sat in a rickety old chair, next to his grandmother’s rocker as she poured them each a glass of lemonade. “Here you are dear, a nice cold drink for this hot summer day.”

            “Thanks Grams,” Toby said with a smile as he lifted the glass to his lips.

            “Don’t drink it too fast Toby or you’ll make yourself sick. Oh my, I forgot about the cookies! Oh dear, I hope they don’t burn! Excuse me Toby, I’ll be right back.” As Grams shuffled away into her secluded cottage, as if to save one of her precious cats from a blazing fire, Toby sat and began to look around him.  He was going to miss this place. He was going to miss the long winding driveway that was barely noticeable from the road. He was going to miss his grandmother’s vegetable garden and the sounds of her curses over the “sneaky little buggers” that somehow always managed to find a way in which would always make him laugh. Most of all though, he was going to miss coming home after school and telling Grams about his day over lemonade and cookies. A passing wind made the pine trees sway back and forth as Toby let out a soft sigh. He loved this place. It was hard to believe that he had just graduated from high school and would soon be leaving this peacefulness behind for the hustle and bustle of Boston.

            “Here we are, dear,” Grams chimed as she appeared in the doorway with a crystal bowl, “your favorite; sugar cookies sprinkled with a dash of cinnamon, just the way you like them; unburned!” she chuckled as she placed the bowl on the table and returned to her rocker. She bent down to the basket of yarn beside her to retrieve her needle work while she continued speaking. “So, my little Toby isn’t so little anymore.”

            “Yeah … I guess.”

            “I’m so proud of you Toby,” she said while taking her eyes away from her needle work to look directly into his eyes. “To have graduated high school and to be the first Sampson to go to college; your father would have been proud, God rest his soul.”

            “Yeah, it still feels surreal,” Toby admitted as thought about his graduation. If only his parents could have been there. “I wish I had gotten to know him, what was he like Grams?”

            “Your father? Well… he was like you, always with some girl some place,” she laughed as she returned to her needlework to continue stitching. “Of course, his tail chasing days were over when he met your mother. If it wasn’t for that girl, he would have never finished school.” Toby laughed as Grams rattled on. “And what about you Toby? Have you found a steady girl yet?” Toby shifted in his seat as he uncomfortably stared down at his flip flops. “No… not yet, I’ve decided to wait until after college to start seriously dating.”

            “What about Maria? It seems you’re always with her lately?”

Toby laughed, “Oh Grams! She’s just a friend! She’s like a sister to me.”

“Ah, maybe so, but she’s a nice girl and you too are close,” she said smiling as she finished her row and began to start a new one. “Is she going to the same school as you?”

            “No, she’s moving to the Cape with her friend Jen. Jen’s parents own a pastry shop there. They’re renting their spare apartment to the girls.”

            “Oh, so Maria’s going to school there?”

            “No. Maria never really cared for school much. Jen needed a roommate, Maria needed a job, and so it works out good because Jen’s parents like Maria and are giving her a job in their shop. She can’t find anything here.”

            “Well, I guess that’s good then. We all need to work. Still, education is important, don’t forget about that Toby.”

*

            Toby sat up in his bed, peering down at his lap top screen. His dorm wasn’t so much of a room as it was a closet. Clothes were sprung all over the place, covering the ten feet of floor space between his bed and his roommates, who had already left for his classes. Various posters of Lady Gaga covered the walls amongst the one window. Thankfully, his roommate shared his same taste in music.

            As Toby checked his email, he let out a squeal of glee when he saw that he had a message from Maria. They hadn’t talked in ages.

Hey Tobes,

            How have you been? How’s school going? Jen and I are doing well. I’m so happy that I moved here. Compared to that little hick town run by rednecks, this place is like heaven! Seriously, the shops are just amazing and the people are so friendly. I love living so close to the bay too. Remember those hour long drives we used to take to the beach? Ha! I can walk to one now! The honkytonks have so many arcades and restaurants that it reminds me of that Bette Midler movie. What was that called again? It’s on the tip of my tongue… all well. Jen and I got our picture taken the other day. I couldn’t believe it, Tobes, she proposed to me! We were snuggling on the beach the other day, just watching the sun set. I told her how happy I was living there and how I hoped we could stay like this forever and she just pulled out a ring! I still can’t believe it, Tobes. We’re planning on getting married next spring so keep that in mind as I’ll need a best man ;). Check out the pictures I attached. She must have spent a fortune on that rock! How are you doing with that hunky roommate of yours? Have you found out for sure if he is gay yet? Let me know Tobes.

Love always,

Maria

“O. M. G!” Toby exclaimed as he opened the attachment. Sure enough, there was the photo strip of the black and white pictures Maria had talked about. Toby chuckled as he scanned the pictures from top to bottom; two of the girls kissing, one of the two girls smiling into the camera with their arms wrapped around each other, and another of the same only in this one, Maria held out her hand to the camera to show off the small diamond ring on her finger. Toby smiled with pride and envy as he closed the attachment to write his reply.

Maria,

            I’m so happy for you and Jen. I can’t believe she proposed and you two are actually going to get married! Congrats and of course I’ll be there. I’d never let down my bestest friend in the world! When is it going to be? Have you picked out a date yet? OMG, I’m so excited! What a beautiful way to propose too. As for the roommate situation, … well… *blushes* not only is Rich gay but he admitted to me that he’s had a crush on me ever since I moved in. He borrowed my lap top one day as his shit the bed and he had a major paper assignment due the next day. When I got up to go to the bathroom, he went to check his email and my inbox came up right away. Before he clicked out of it, he saw I had an email from JustGuys and confronted me about it when I came back. I was so scared Maria. I thought he was going to beat the shit out of me and be pissed that he had to share his room with a fag. But, when I admitted to him that I was just curious, he just smiled and gave me a big hug and said it was ok, he’s gay too. He’s been absolutely fabulous, Maria. I wasn’t sure, but now that I’m seeing him, I definitely know I’m gay. I’m kind of nervous though. We’ve been dating for 5 months now and … I think I’m in love with him. He doesn’t know yet, neither of us has said those words to each other yet. It’s hard because the only time we can show each other any kind of affection is when we’re alone in our room. It’s not like Ptown where almost everyone is gay. When we go out to eat, they always try to sit us at the bar and when we ask for a booth, they always say they don’t have any when there are  plenty of empty booths. Sitting at the bar, we can’t really talk much about anything other than school. It sucks! It’s bad enough that we pretty much have opposite schedules. I’m also nervous about this summer. When I told Grams about my new “friend” I made here, she invited him to come spend the summer with us after this semester is over. I don’t know how she’ll take it when I tell her about me and Rich. She always swore that no matter what, she will live to see her great-grandchildren. She always felt more like a mom than a grandmother to me as she had to raise me like her own child when mom and dad died in that car accident shortly after I was born. She used to joke about how she can’t wait to be like the other grandmothers and spoil her “grandchildren” before sending them home to their parents. I don’t know what to do, Maria. I don’t want to go back home without Rich, but I don’t want to break Grams’ heart either. What should I do?

Toby

*

            Rich looked out the car window, watching the trees whizzing by as he held Toby’s hand. Toby’s other hand gripped the steering wheel tight as he kept his eyes on the road. The radio played lowly and Rich began to sing along with Darren Hayes. “I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality. I believe that trust is more important than monogamy. I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul. I believe that family is worth more than money or gold.” Rich’s singing was cut short as Toby let out a deep sigh. Rich took his eyes off the road to look at his lovers face. Seeing the tension in his eyes, Rich gave Toby’s hand a tight squeeze. “It’ll be ok Tobes. We don’t have to tell her about us. All she knows is that we’re friends, she doesn’t have to know how close we are or that you’re gay.” Toby tightened his gripped on the steering wheel and huffed. “Yes, she does Rich. I don’t want to live a lie anymore. I don’t want to have to hide myself anymore and act like I’m something I’m not. I’m gay. She deserves to know that and that I love you.”

            “What?”

In a swift jerk, Toby pulled the car over to the side of the road and pulled his hand away from Rich’s to slide the shift indicator into park. He took a deep breath and looked over at Rich. “Yes, Rich, I love you. I’m sorry, I never meant to tell you like this, but it just came out. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs and I don’t care what anyone thinks. I love you Rich, and if Grams truly loves me too, she’ll understand that.” Rich stared at Toby in shock. Here he was, looking into his boyfriends blood shot eyes from his lack of sleep the night before, all tense with too much worry, and he didn’t know what to say. After a moment of silence, a slight smile crossed Rich's lips as he looked down and blushed. “So … you really love me huh?” Toby sighed and looked down at the steering wheel. “Yes, Rich… I do. I’m sorry I snapped at you and for telling you like this. This wasn’t how I wanted this to go at all. But, now that I’ve said it, yes, I love you. I just don’t know how Grams is going to take all this.” Rich looked up at Toby. In spite of Toby being an absolute wreck, he never looked more beautiful than he did now. Rich reached for Toby’s hand that was still gripping the shift indicator and leaned over to give his lover a kiss on the cheek. “It’s ok Tobes… I love you too.” Toby turned his head back and stared into Rich’s deep brown eyes. “Really?”

            “Yes, Tobes. So don’t worry. Whatever happens, we’re in this together.” Toby smiled and accepted Rich’s soft kiss on his lips before taking a deep breath.

            “Ok. We’re almost there. The drive way is just around the corner.” Toby shifted the car into drive and began to pull away from the curve. Rich’s hand remained holding Toby’s as he gave it another tight squeeze.

           

            Grams was already on the porch with a bowl full of cookies and a pitcher of lemonade when the boys pulled up. She had heard the car on the drive way and was standing with a huge smile on her face as she waved to them. Toby parked the car and took another deep breath. “Ok. We’re here.”

            “Do you want me to be with you when you tell her?”

            “No. This is something I have to do on my own. Just don’t go too far ok?” Rich squeezed Toby’s hand one more time as he promised he wouldn’t. As they got out of the car, Grams hobbled as fast as she could with her cane down the steps to greet them. “Oh Toby,” she exclaimed, “I’ve missed you so much.” She wrapped her arms around her grandson who could only stare down at her cane. “I’ve missed you too Grams, what’s with the cane? Have you been feeling alright?”

            “Oh, don’t worry about that. I just sprained my ankle in the garden a little while back. It’s nothing to worry about. And you must be Toby’s friend Rich.” Grams broke away from Toby to pull Rich into a big hug. “I’m so happy that you could come. Toby talks about you all the time, I finally get to put a face with a name.” Rich laughed, “Yes. Thank you for inviting me. Toby talks about you a lot as well.”

            “Well, come on in. I’ve got everything ready for you. It must have been a long drive and I’m sure you’re both tired. Toby, you look exhausted. Don’t worry, I’ve got some lemonade and cookies set out on the porch, just like old times.”

            “Thanks Grams. It was a long ride. I could use some lemonade.”

            “Yeah, me too,” Rich chimed in.  As they made their way up the stairs, Rich began to reach for a glass when he noticed Toby’s quick glance at him. “Ah, on second thought,” Rich hesitated for a moment as he moved his hand back and looked at Grams, “it was a long drive. May I please use the bathroom?”

            “Oh, go right inside dear. It’s down the hall, second door on the left. Can’t miss it.”

            “Thanks ma'am.”

            “No problem dear and no need to be so formal. I’m used to Toby’s friends calling me Grams. Please, make yourself at home and don’t call me ma'am.” Rich laughed. “Ok, thanks Grams.” As Rich went inside, Grams and Toby took their seats, just like old times.

            “So Toby, how’d you do this semester? Straight A’s like the last one?”

            “Ugh… yeah Grams, just like the last one.”

            “Good. I’m glad to hear it. Did you get much sleep last night dear? You look like you haven’t slept in weeks!”

            “Um… yeah, I got enough sleep. It’s just a long drive though and I’m kinda tired.”

            “Oh yes, I’m sure. Well, your room is the same way you left it if you feel like taking a nap. I’m sure Rich must be tired too.” Toby stared down at his flip flops as Grams picked up her needles. Out of the corner of his eye, Toby noticed her ankle as she bent down towards the basket for her yarn.

            “So… Grams… how is your ankle?

            “Oh it hurts a little but not much dear. Really, it’s nothing. I’ve just been having a little trouble walking since I sprained it but it’s just a sprain. It’s really nothing to worry about dear. Have you met any girls up in Boston?”

            “Um… well… I have met someone.”

            “Oh really? How nice. Is she pretty?”

            “Hmmm… well…yeah,” Toby blushed as he continued to stare down at his flip flops. “Um… Grams…”

            “Yes Toby?”

            “There’s…something I have to tell you.”

            “What is it dear? You can tell me anything.”

            “Well… I don’t know how to say this but… I’m gay Grams… and … Rich and I are dating.”

There was a long pause as Grams let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, I kind of figured as much.”

            “What? You mean you already knew?”

            “I didn’t know you and Rich were together but from the way you talked about him these past few months on the phone, I kind of expected it. That’s why I invited him to spend the summer with us. As for you being gay… I’ve known that for years Toby.”

            “What… I mean how did you know? … For how long?”

Grams put aside her needle work and looked Toby directly in his eyes. “Toby. I’ve known you were gay since you were 5 when I found you playing with your mother’s barbies up in the attic. I never brought it up to you because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and I wanted you to tell me on your own in your own time. I never cared that you were gay, Toby. I’ve always loved you and I always will no matter what. I just want you to be happy and safe.”

            Toby smiled. It was the first real smile he had worn all day. “So… if you always knew… why did you always ask me about girls and go on about living to see your great-grand kids?”

            Grams let out a hard laugh. “Oh, my poor boy, I’m sorry about that. You know how forgetful I can be sometimes. I never saw you as my gay grandson. You have always just been my grandson and that will never change. Ever!”

            As Toby got up to give Grams a hug with tears in his eyes, she whispered to him. “So… do you love each other? Are you happy?”

            “Yes, Grams. More than I have ever been.”

            “Good. Then that’s all that matters then, isn’t it?”

As Toby looked past his grandmother, he spotted Rich through the screen door, smiling at them from inside. “Yes Grams… it’s all that matters.”